85. You don’t always get what you want…

‘When you don’t get what you want, you suffer. If you get it, you suffer too since you can’t hold on to it forever.” – Peaceful Warrior

It’s often said that there is something comforting about being at rock bottom; at least you can’t sink any lower. Even though I’ve been through some very dark times I don’t think I’ve ever felt more miserable or lacking in hope than I do right now. I feel worn down and broken. Every day is a struggle just to exist. And it’s not because I’ve been miserable, quite the opposite. It’s because I’ve been shown a glimpse of happiness and had it dissolve. That strikes me as the cruellest trick that life can play.

Did I just imagine it was happiness? I guess I’ll never really know. Maybe we see what we want to see and no more. I always try to be so hopeful and optimistic and I don’t feel that I have been rewarded for this. But then why should I? Life has absolutely no obligation to be good to me and the simple fact remains that you don’t always get what you want. No matter how much you want it, no matter how hard you fight for it. You can do everything right, you can follow your instincts, and still you can be just plain unlucky.

I often feel like my capacity for love makes me weak, but it doesn’t; it makes me strong. I love with everything I have, I can’t help it, it’s just the way I am. But there are many more people out there who aren’t capable of making themselves that vulnerable, to risk it all on the small chance that they gain everything. And I feel sorry for them because they will never know how it feels to have that fleeting glimpse of glorious, glorious, happiness.